First off, bless you for your feedback on my last post because it made me feel like I wasn&#8217;t the only idiot to accidentally OD on gummies. Secondly, if you read here you already know that I take ketamine injections once every month or two (at a medical clinic) to help treat my treatment-resistant depression<a class="more-link" href="https://thebloggess.com/2024/11/26/this-is-not-a-drug-blog-its-just-a-weird-coincidence-mostly/">Continue reading "This is not a drug blog. It&#8217;s just a weird coincidence, mostly."</a>

This is not a drug blog.  It’s just a weird coincidence, mostly.

Last week I shared my list of books I read in 2024 and someone asked me my favorite, which I can&#8217;t do because that&#8217;s like picking my favorite child. Except harder because I only have one child. But if you see it here on this video, I liked it. I don&#8217;t review books I don&#8217;t<a class="more-link" href="https://thebloggess.com/2025/01/09/what-was-your-favorite-book-of-the-year/">Continue reading "What was your favorite book of the year?"</a>

What was your favorite book of the year?

A few decades ago I met my husband in a bookstore where he picked me up by convincing me to go to his dorm room to lend me the books I was looking at so I didn&#8217;t have to buy them. Over a decade ago I started writing strange books about our lives that somehow<a class="more-link" href="https://thebloggess.com/2024/12/31/ive-lost-track-of-how-many-proposals-weve-gotten-to-witness-at-nowhere-but-this-took-it-to-a-new-level/">Continue reading "I&#8217;ve lost track of how many proposals we&#8217;ve gotten to witness at Nowhere, but this took it to a new level."</a>

I’ve lost track of how many proposals we’ve gotten to witness at Nowhere, but this took it to a new level.

First off, I just went through and counted and it looks like 432 kids were gifted with new stuffed animals this week during the 15th Annual James Garfield Miracle. Holy crap. I love you guys. Secondly, I wrote this for my substack today but I&#8217;m sharing it here too in case you don&#8217;t substack but<a class="more-link" href="https://thebloggess.com/2024/12/24/put-your-towels-on-its-christmas-eve/">Continue reading "Put your towels on. It&#8217;s Christmas Eve."</a>

Put your towels on.  It’s Christmas Eve.

Hello and welcome to the FIFTEENTH ANNUAL James Garfield Miracle! (HOW??) “What is the James Garfield Miracle?” you may be asking. You must be new here. HELLO AND WELCOME. 15 years ago I walked into an estate sale and fell in love with an ancient taxidermied boars head that seemed so damn happy to see me. I did<a class="more-link" href="https://thebloggess.com/2024/12/16/15-years-is-giant-metal-chickens-or-sweet-stuffed-animals-welcome-to-the-15th-james-garfield-miracle/">Continue reading "15 years is giant metal chickens. Or sweet stuffed animals. Welcome to the 15th James Garfield Miracle."</a>

15 years is giant metal chickens.  Or sweet stuffed animals.  Welcome to the 15th James Garfield Miracle.

I used to share instagram videos on Fridays but I stopped because I&#8217;d heard they wouldn&#8217;t embed anymore so I thought I&#8217;d try again now to see if it works again. Let me know in the comments? Did they work?

Does this still work?

This month&#8217;s book picks are weirdly related because both feature queer romance and suspenseful corpse disposal and I promise I didn&#8217;t plan that at all. If you&#8217;re in Nightmares from Nowhere you&#8217;ll be getting The Resurrectionist by A. Rae Dunlap. It&#8217;s a dark and twisty gothic debut set in 19th century Scotland (at a time<a class="more-link" href="https://thebloggess.com/2024/12/11/theres-a-lot-of-corpses-in-these-books-not-literally-probably/">Continue reading "There&#8217;s a lot of corpses in these books. Not literally. Probably."</a>

There’s a lot of corpses in these books.  Not literally.  Probably.

Five years ago Victor brought home a battered old bear named Mathew McClawnaughey because he knows I don&#8217;t like flowers: And I gave the bear a small makeover and renamed her Ruth Bader Ginsbear, because obviously: And then Ruth sat beside me through good times and bad and waved at fascinated neighborhood children during the<a class="more-link" href="https://thebloggess.com/2024/12/03/clearly-i-come-by-it-honestly-and-by-it-i-mean-playful-insanity/">Continue reading "Clearly, I come by it honestly. And by &#8220;it&#8221; I mean &#8220;playful insanity&#8221;."</a>

Clearly, I come by it honestly.  And by “it” I mean “playful insanity”.

The Bloggess

LOCATION CLASSIFIED—Grumbling “Not this shit again” as a shadowy figure zipped around at the edges of his vision, elite commando Maj. Teddy “Sandman” Hawthorne confirmed Friday that he was sick of unseen assailants darting through the fog to quietly dispatch his team one by one. “Man, it really ticks me off when I deploy for [&#8230;]
The post <a href="https://theonion.com/elite-commando-sick-of-unseen-assailants-darting-through-fog-to-quietly-dispatch-team-one-by-one/">Elite Commando Sick Of Unseen Assailants Darting Through Fog To Quietly Dispatch Team One By One</a> appeared first on <a href="https://theonion.com">The Onion</a>.

Elite Commando Sick Of Unseen Assailants Darting Through Fog To Quietly Dispatch Team One By One

U.S. Special Counsel Jack Smith, who led the federal cases against Donald Trump on charges of trying to overturn his 2020 election defeat and mishandling of classified documents, has resigned as the Republican president-elect prepares to return to the White House. What do you think?
The post <a href="https://theonion.com/special-counsel-jack-smith-resigns/">Special Counsel Jack Smith Resigns</a> appeared first on <a href="https://theonion.com">The Onion</a>.

Special Counsel Jack Smith Resigns

MINNEAPOLIS—After months of declining sales at the retail chain, experts confirmed Tuesday that Target was losing market share due to more Americans opting to forgo all earthly possessions. “While Target used to have a loyal customer base that would leave the store laden with everything from cosmetics to home decor, millions of U.S. shoppers are [&#8230;]
The post <a href="https://theonion.com/target-losing-market-share-as-more-americans-opt-to-forgo-all-earthly-possessions/">Target Losing Market Share As More Americans Opt To Forgo All Earthly Possessions</a> appeared first on <a href="https://theonion.com">The Onion</a>.

Target Losing Market Share As More Americans Opt To Forgo All Earthly Possessions

HOUSTON—Coming to terms with its diminished status after thousands of years as a venerated deity commanding pure devotion, the sun admitted this week that it was unsure what it had to do to get humans to worship it again. “Last year I tried this huge total eclipse, and that didn’t do shit,” the sun said [&#8230;]
The post <a href="https://theonion.com/sun-unsure-what-it-has-to-do-to-get-humans-to-worship-it-again/">Sun Unsure What It Has To Do To Get Humans To Worship It Again</a> appeared first on <a href="https://theonion.com">The Onion</a>.

Sun Unsure What It Has To Do To Get Humans To Worship It Again

President-elect Donald Trump said that he would move to try to rename the Gulf of Mexico to the “Gulf of America,” a name he said has a “beautiful ring to it.” What do you think?
The post <a href="https://theonion.com/trump-suggests-changing-name-of-gulf-of-mexico/">Trump Suggests Changing Name Of Gulf Of Mexico</a> appeared first on <a href="https://theonion.com">The Onion</a>.

Trump Suggests Changing Name Of Gulf Of Mexico

Adjusting to life with a newborn is a formidable task. The Onion presents tips for supporting the new parents in your social circle. Drop off a meal from their favorite restaurant to remind them of their former life that’s now lost forever.&#160; Stress that Cocomelon only has as much power as they give it. Get [&#8230;]
The post <a href="https://theonion.com/tips-for-supporting-new-parents/">Tips For Supporting New Parents</a> appeared first on <a href="https://theonion.com">The Onion</a>.

Tips For Supporting New Parents

At least five fires across the Los Angeles area, including one in Hollywood Hills, scorched more than 45 square miles and put roughly 180,000 people under evacuation orders. What do you think?
The post <a href="https://theonion.com/historic-wildfires-ravage-los-angeles/">Historic Wildfires Ravage Los Angeles</a> appeared first on <a href="https://theonion.com">The Onion</a>.

Historic Wildfires Ravage Los Angeles

WASHINGTON—Revealing a steep decline in the populace&#8217;s knowledge of its own country, a distressing survey commissioned Monday by the Department of Education found that most U.S. citizens are unable to name all 340 million Americans. “The ability to recite from memory the names of each of the nation&#8217;s residents used to be a basic component [&#8230;]
The post <a href="https://theonion.com/distressing-survey-finds-most-u-s-citizens-unable-to-name-all-340-million-americans/">Distressing Survey Finds Most U.S. Citizens Unable To Name All 340 Million Americans</a> appeared first on <a href="https://theonion.com">The Onion</a>.

Distressing Survey Finds Most U.S. Citizens Unable To Name All 340 Million Americans

The Onion

PHILADELPHIA — Local punk scene veteran Chuck Rubenfeld, known for spending the better part of the &#8217;90s passing out on floors across the tri-state area,&#8230;
The post <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/culture/aging-punk-who-once-slept-on-floors-now-obsessed-with-memory-foam-mattress-reviews/">Aging Punk Who Once Slept on Floors Now Obsessed With Memory Foam Mattress Reviews</a> appeared first on <a href="https://thehardtimes.net">The Hard Times</a>.

Aging Punk Who Once Slept on Floors Now Obsessed With Memory Foam Mattress Reviews

Reality TV has to be one of the most prominent vices in society today, and many people tend to be fans even if they don’t&#8230;
The post <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/blog/the-next-wahlburgers-this-unrepentant-racist-manages-a-five-guys-in-east-boston/">The Next Wahlburgers? This Unrepentant Racist Manages a Five Guys in East Boston!</a> appeared first on <a href="https://thehardtimes.net">The Hard Times</a>.

The Next Wahlburgers? This Unrepentant Racist Manages a Five Guys in East Boston!

PHILADELPHIA — Lifelong fan of black metal Karl Donner was reportedly unsure if his fandom of Norwegian stalwarts Dimmu Borgir was acceptable among his peers,&#8230;
The post <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/music/lifelong-fan-of-black-metal-still-unsure-if-liking-dimmu-borgir-is-acceptable/">Lifelong Fan of Black Metal Still Unsure if Liking Dimmu Borgir Is Acceptable</a> appeared first on <a href="https://thehardtimes.net">The Hard Times</a>.

Lifelong Fan of Black Metal Still Unsure if Liking Dimmu Borgir Is Acceptable

HELL — The underworld is in chaos after a coup d&#8217;état orchestrated by the late American diplomat Henry Kissinger sent Satan into hiding and installed&#8230;
The post <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/culture/henry-kissinger-masterminds-first-regime-change-in-hell/">Henry Kissinger Masterminds First Regime Change in Hell</a> appeared first on <a href="https://thehardtimes.net">The Hard Times</a>.

Henry Kissinger Masterminds First Regime Change in Hell

In 1994, two charming idiots from New Hope, Pennsylvania, Aaron Freeman and Mickey Melchiondo (a.k.a. Gene and Dean Ween), gave us one of the most&#8230;
The post <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/blog/we-look-back-on-weens-chocolate-and-cheese-because-they-banned-pornhub-in-our-state/">We Look Back on Ween’s “Chocolate and Cheese” Because They Banned Pornhub in Our State</a> appeared first on <a href="https://thehardtimes.net">The Hard Times</a>.

We Look Back on Ween’s “Chocolate and Cheese” Because They Banned Pornhub in Our State

SANTA CRUZ, Calif. — Merch guy Darren Byrum for touring band Hung Jury was found rehearsing his lack of eye contact in the bathroom of&#8230;
The post <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/culture/merch-guy-rehearsing-not-making-eye-contact-in-venue-bathroom-mirror/">Merch Guy Rehearsing Not Making Eye Contact in Venue Bathroom Mirror</a> appeared first on <a href="https://thehardtimes.net">The Hard Times</a>.

Merch Guy Rehearsing Not Making Eye Contact in Venue Bathroom Mirror

New music might not save the world or even help to change the minds of the roughly 40% of Americans who still don’t believe climate&#8230;
The post <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/lists/six-songs-were-listening-to-this-week-that-arent-nearly-as-chaotic-as-the-state-of-world-right-now/">Six Songs We&#8217;re Listening To This Week That Aren&#8217;t Nearly As Chaotic As The State of World Right Now</a> appeared first on <a href="https://thehardtimes.net">The Hard Times</a>.

Six Songs We’re Listening To This Week That Aren’t Nearly As Chaotic As The State of World Right Now

BOISE, Idaho — Independent thinker and free spirit Bodun Haze became mysteriously defensive when conversation at a house party shifted away from his latest yoga&#8230;
The post <a href="https://thehardtimes.net/culture/self-described-free-spirit-gets-suspiciously-irritable-when-asked-how-they-pay-rent/">Self-Described “Free Spirit” Gets Suspiciously Irritable When Asked How They Pay Rent</a> appeared first on <a href="https://thehardtimes.net">The Hard Times</a>.

Self-Described “Free Spirit” Gets Suspiciously Irritable When Asked How They Pay Rent

The Hard Times

<img src="https://media.babylonbee.com/articles/67854a5b503f967854a5b503fa.jpg" width="400" style="width: 100%; max-width: 400px;">WASHINGTON, D.C. — With the inauguration of President-elect Donald Trump set to take place next Monday, White House insiders revealed that the mood was somber as Jill Biden prepared for her final week as president.

Jill Biden Prepares For Final Week As President

<img src="https://media.babylonbee.com/articles/67855680b93aa67855680b93ab.jpg" width="400" style="width: 100%; max-width: 400px;">LOS ANGELES, CA — After a grueling six-month journey, two little people known as hobbits reached the Santa Monica Mountains on their quest to destroy the One Ring by hurling it into the roiling fires of Los Angeles.

Frodo And Sam Arrive To Toss Ring Into Fires Of Los Angeles

<img src="https://media.babylonbee.com/articles/6786c9d0a730c6786c9d0a730d.jpg" width="400" style="width: 100%; max-width: 400px;">GRAND RAPIDS, MI — Zondervan Publishing announced today that it would be introducing a new Bible concordance that gives readers out-of-context verses to justify any sinful behavior.

Innovative New Bible Concordance Gives You Out-Of-Context Verses To Justify Any Behavior

<img src="https://media.babylonbee.com/articles/6786e1cf7e3aa6786e1cf7e3ab.jpg" width="400" style="width: 100%; max-width: 400px;">WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a historic first, a current presidential cabinet nominee received an official military commendation, as Pete Hegseth was awarded the Silver Star for enduring a roomful of hysterical women during his Senate confirmation hearing.

Pete Hegseth Awarded Silver Star For Enduring Roomful Of Hysterical Women

<img src="https://media.babylonbee.com/articles/6786c58dbff2c6786c58dbff2d.jpg" width="400" style="width: 100%; max-width: 400px;">LONDON — Authorities in the United Kingdom were outwitted once again this week, as to avoid prosecution on charges of sexual assault, famed author Neil Gaiman joined an Islamic grooming gang.

To Avoid Prosecution In Britain, Neil Gaiman Joins Islamic Grooming Gang

<img src="https://media.babylonbee.com/articles/6786c343922376786c34392238.jpg" width="400" style="width: 100%; max-width: 400px;">WASHINGTON, D.C. — Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre will be exiting politics for good at the end of Biden's presidential term, instead returning to her former job as a salesman at Men's Wearhouse.

As White House Gig Wraps Up, Karine Jean-Pierre Prepares To Head Back To Old Job At Men's Wearhouse

<img src="https://media.babylonbee.com/articles/6786c027466546786c02746655.jpg" width="400" style="width: 100%; max-width: 400px;">U.S. — A final group of 100 million Mexican citizens are taking advantage of Biden's last week in office by hurriedly crossing the United States border before Trump has a chance to make their illegal entry illegal, according to new data released by the U.S. Customs and Border Protection agency.

Last 100 Million Mexican Citizens Hurriedly Enter U.S. During Biden’s Final Week In Office

<img src="https://media.babylonbee.com/articles/6786aceb400d06786aceb400d1.jpg" width="400" style="width: 100%; max-width: 400px;">WASHINTON, D.C. — President Joe Biden expressed excitement after being told he was being taken to that big fun farm up north in the country where Jill took the family dog a while back.

Biden Says He’s Looking Forward To Retiring To That Nice Big Farm In The Country Where Jill Sent The Family Dog

Your Trusted Source for Christian News Satire.

Babylon Bee

If it isn&#8217;t us making fun of yet another movie we found to be an absolute masterpiece&#8230; Sorry, not sorry. Here we are paying tribute to it by gathering all of the Nosferatu memes we could possibly find. Scroll down and let us know your opinion about this movie in the comments below! P.S. Check ... <a title="The Funniest Nosferatu Memes And Reactions" class="read-more" href="https://www.sadanduseless.com/nosferatu-memes/" aria-label="More on The Funniest Nosferatu Memes And Reactions">Read more</a>
The post <a href="https://www.sadanduseless.com/nosferatu-memes/">The Funniest Nosferatu Memes And Reactions</a> first appeared on <a href="https://www.sadanduseless.com">Sad and Useless Humor</a>.

The Funniest Nosferatu Memes And Reactions

100% Honest Horoscopes For 2025 &#8211; Share this video with your friends and family, so they can find out what a miserable future awaits them. Finest Examples of Redneck Engineering &#8211; Can you really claim that these solutions are stupid, if they actually work? 20 Memes Only Men Can Appreciate &#8211; My wife&#8217;s boyfriend informs ... <a title="Funny Links From Around The Internet, January 2025" class="read-more" href="https://www.sadanduseless.com/funny-links-january-2025/" aria-label="More on Funny Links From Around The Internet, January 2025">Read more</a>
The post <a href="https://www.sadanduseless.com/funny-links-january-2025/">Funny Links From Around The Internet, January 2025</a> first appeared on <a href="https://www.sadanduseless.com">Sad and Useless Humor</a>.

Funny Links From Around The Internet, January 2025

Introducing the OnlyFans 2025 Calendar! Add some fun to your office, bedroom, or any wall you&#8217;d like with this hilarious calendar featuring only fans… no, not that kind of onlyfans&#8230; You can get your very own OnlyFans 2025 Calendar on Amazon. Please note that our site is reader-supported. When you buy through links on our ... <a title="2025 OnlyFans Calendar Is Finally Here!" class="read-more" href="https://www.sadanduseless.com/onlyfans-calendar/" aria-label="More on 2025 OnlyFans Calendar Is Finally Here!">Read more</a>
The post <a href="https://www.sadanduseless.com/onlyfans-calendar/">2025 OnlyFans Calendar Is Finally Here!</a> first appeared on <a href="https://www.sadanduseless.com">Sad and Useless Humor</a>.

2025 OnlyFans Calendar Is Finally Here!

TikTok could be banned in the US unless its Chinese parent company sells it in within the week. At the time of posting these memes, the app remains active in the United States. Following decisions by Congress and the Supreme Court, TikTok&#8217;s parent company has until January 19th to sell TikTok. If it fails to ... <a title="Funniest TikTok Ban Memes: US Plans To Ban TikTok" class="read-more" href="https://www.sadanduseless.com/tiktok-ban-memes/" aria-label="More on Funniest TikTok Ban Memes: US Plans To Ban TikTok">Read more</a>
The post <a href="https://www.sadanduseless.com/tiktok-ban-memes/">Funniest TikTok Ban Memes: US Plans To Ban TikTok</a> first appeared on <a href="https://www.sadanduseless.com">Sad and Useless Humor</a>.

Funniest TikTok Ban Memes: US Plans To Ban TikTok

Finally, horoscopes that doesn&#8217;t lie and tell the whole truth about what to expect in 2025! Share this with your friends and family to let them know what terrible, vile excuses of a human being they really are! ﻿﻿﻿ Please don&#8217;t forget to subscribe to our YouTube channel! For each new subscription, we will adopt ... <a title="100% Honest Horoscopes For 2025" class="read-more" href="https://www.sadanduseless.com/horoscopes-for-2025/" aria-label="More on 100% Honest Horoscopes For 2025">Read more</a>
The post <a href="https://www.sadanduseless.com/horoscopes-for-2025/">100% Honest Horoscopes For 2025</a> first appeared on <a href="https://www.sadanduseless.com">Sad and Useless Humor</a>.

100% Honest Horoscopes For 2025

It&#8217;s hard to overstate how terrifying and destructive these fires are. Yet, somehow, in true California fashion, people are still finding ways to cope -mostly by making memes. Humor is one of the few ways people can deal with awful events like this one. Here&#8217;s a selection of the latest memes and reactions about the ... <a title="California Los Angeles Wildfires Memes And Reactions" class="read-more" href="https://www.sadanduseless.com/california-wildfires-memes/" aria-label="More on California Los Angeles Wildfires Memes And Reactions">Read more</a>
The post <a href="https://www.sadanduseless.com/california-wildfires-memes/">California Los Angeles Wildfires Memes And Reactions</a> first appeared on <a href="https://www.sadanduseless.com">Sad and Useless Humor</a>.

California Los Angeles Wildfires Memes And Reactions

Not only Greenland is in danger of being invaded or purchased. Donald Trump has plans to turn Canada into the 51st state of United States. The internet responded by doing what it does best: creating memes. Scroll down to see the funniest Trump vs. Canada memes!
The post <a href="https://www.sadanduseless.com/trump-canada-memes/">Trump Wants Canada: Funniest Memes And Reactions</a> first appeared on <a href="https://www.sadanduseless.com">Sad and Useless Humor</a>.

Trump Wants Canada: Funniest Memes And Reactions

The bizarre and utterly unnecessary invention known as Finger Feet is a triumph of whimsy over practicality. For the uninitiated: these tiny, rubbery feet are designed to slip over human fingers, transforming them into a new species of miniature bipeds. A concept so absurd it loops back around to being an undeniable stroke of genius. ... <a title="Finger Feet Turns Two of Your Fingers Into Tiny Legs" class="read-more" href="https://www.sadanduseless.com/finger-feet/" aria-label="More on Finger Feet Turns Two of Your Fingers Into Tiny Legs">Read more</a>
The post <a href="https://www.sadanduseless.com/finger-feet/">Finger Feet Turns Two of Your Fingers Into Tiny Legs</a> first appeared on <a href="https://www.sadanduseless.com">Sad and Useless Humor</a>.

Finger Feet Turns Two of Your Fingers Into Tiny Legs

Sad and Useless Humor

As I gaze upon the ruins of what was once my home city, where I grew up and built a life full of love, laughter, and fond memories, I could feel sad. But I cannot help but smile, for we have finally conquered wokeness. There was a time when every “blue” joke would yield a reprimand from HR. Now, no one would dare to stop me from screening Blazing Saddles in my office’s conference room, if there were any electricity to run the television. In fact, there are no HR rules at all, I have no job, the company no longer exists, and the entire building is occupied by warlords. These days, no one asks me about pronouns; they’re too busy searching for potable water. The victor of the Fourth Great Water War has yet to be determined, but what is certain is that we have decisively defeated the DEI scolds who were incessantly telling us the “right” words to say. I used to be so afraid to speak my mind, but now that’s over. I’m just afraid of the warlords, and I’m not afraid to say so loud and proud. But don’t tell the warlords I said that; they’re unpredictable, their chants are deafening, and their weapons hurt. If I hear them coming, I hide. I was sick and tired of my kids being indoctrinated into radical identitarian ideologies at school. Now, my boys don’t go to school. There’s no one to make them ashamed of their masculinity, and they have a perfect outlet for their male energy: their roles in a roving band of pirates stripping copper from abandoned shopping malls (teamwork!). When things were woke, every day was a different made-up “celebration.” Every gender and ethnicity got a “month,” and we had to hear about it. Now, who even knows what day it is? There are no calendars—and even if there were, you’d better not get caught with one (because the warlords hate them). They will eat your calendar, and not only because paper is one of the best remaining sources of calories. They hate calendars more than books for some reason. But the thing they hate most is watches, which they will also eat. I admit that I would change a few things about our world today. I miss being able to buy things at the store, watching my favorite shows on TV, and when it used to rain. But even more nourishing than food and water, even more comforting than not constantly running from armed gangs who steal anything I get my hands on—I mean anything, like if I find a tiny acorn that I think I might suck on for sustenance, and I run for so long with so little food and water that I don’t know how my body keeps going as I push through new levels of exhaustion—is the knowledge that I won’t have to listen to online extremists lecture me about how people like me are “the problem” with society. There is no online anymore, and no society either. Listen. It feels good to say this in plain language when no one is going to woke-police me out of it: I’m not “a person experiencing thirst,” okay? I’m thirsty. I am so very, very thirsty.

One Upside of the Total Collapse of Civilization Is We Don’t Have to Be Woke Anymore

&#8220;Mark Zuckerberg lamented the rise of &#8216;culturally neutered&#8217; companies that have sought to distance themselves from &#8216;masculine energy,&#8217; adding that it’s good if a culture &#8216;celebrates the aggression a bit more.&#8217;&#8221; &#8212; <a href="https://www.afr.com/world/north-america/zuckerberg-says-most-companies-need-more-masculine-energy-20250112-p5l3la">Financial Review</a> <div class='break'>- - -</div> HR now stands for “Hims Repository.” Intra-office communication shall address recipient with one of the following: Bro, Bro-han, Brocephus, Brocifer, Dawg, or Bro-Dawg Fluoride in the office water has been replaced with a compound of Red Bull and beef jerky. All job candidates must show proficiency in Excel, PowerPoint, and Hot or Not. Press releases containing the typo “pubic relations” will no longer be corrected. Beginning Monday, all transphobic posts on Facebook and Instagram will be “pre-liked.” Twenty percent of all cans of complimentary seltzer and sparkling water will be aggressively shaken, ensuring they will explode in the opener’s face. Casual Fridays will be replaced with Novelty T-Shirt Fridays. Acceptable shirts include, but are not necessarily limited to: <ul> <li>The saying &#8220;If You&#8217;re Close Enough to Read This, You Must Be Stepping on My Johnson&#8221; accompanied by a cartoon figure with an oversized nose, bulging eyes, and tongue hanging out of his mouth.</li> <li>Any line from Sir Mix-A-Lot&#8217;s &#8220;Baby&#8217;s Got Back&#8221;</li> <li>Any visual joke that suggests &#8220;Beer O&#8217;Clock&#8221; is every hour of the day.</li> </ul> Year-end bonuses will be distributed exclusively in the form of Call of Duty XP. Emotional support puppies will be replaced with emotional support cockfighting. The committee for protecting workplace culture and preventing harassment will be replaced by a recording that says, &#8220;What&#8217;s the matter? Can&#8217;t you take a joke?&#8221; All employees are instructed to establish at least one burner account (Facebook or Insta) dedicated to highlighting the various qualities of manliness possessed by Mark Zuckerberg. Example posts might include: <ul> <li>&#8220;Mark’s pecs were really popping through that blue henley today.&#8221;</li> <li>“You seem like a great son, Mark. I’ll bet you’ll be a great dad. Your father is lucky to have you.”</li> <li>“If I had been Mark Zuckerberg’s father I would have wanted him at home and not shipped him off to a boarding school, that’s for sure.”</li> <li>Any &#8220;Cats in the Cradle&#8221; lyric tagging Mark’s father.</li> </ul> All executives will keep their current titles except “Head of Global Affairs,” because, come on, we all know that’s really Gary, amirite? Under no circumstance will anyone named Chad be hired. Stacys may be hired on a provisional basis, provided they prove willing to date a male co-worker at least two degrees of hotness below them. Recognizing that the company name has a regrettably feminine suffix (and almost rhymes with “beta”), we will soon be rebranding it as “Meat.”

Mark Zuckerberg Makes Meta More Masculine

As we all know, we live in an era of monumental change. We’ve always prided ourselves on being at the forefront of growth, which is why today, we’re thrilled to publicly announce that Mom has been acquired by Omnimomcorp, creating the premier partnership in unconditional love and updates on what the dog ate all day. Since 1990, Mom has set out to create a wonderful, nurturing environment for you to grow up in. She’s had the ability to do nine things at once, made sure you went to enough museums and movies, and never said “I told you so” regarding your dud college boyfriend. Now imagine all the incredible things Mom has to offer, paired with Omnimomcorp’s unmatched pearls of wisdom. <h4>What This Means</h4> After decades of success, your #1 Mom will simply be folded into the #1 Mom corporation, Omnimomcorp. She’ll be the same Mom you’re used to, with the abundant resources of a multinational conglomerate of women who are all trying to get out of work in time to get to your jazz dance recital. This strategic combination will establish new benchmarks for asking if you’re warm enough with that sweatshirt, if you have room to take some chili to go, and if Steve Martin is coming out with anything new. Together, we’re thrilled to embark on this exciting new chapter, in which Mom is now part of a global network of tens of thousands of amazing moms who are equally confused about how your cousin made it look like he married Taylor Swift using A.I. We’ll be able to leverage decades of tradition, technology, and Today Show segments to create a phone call so long you miss a day of work. <h4>What to Expect</h4> Despite the agreement today, Mom will transition into Onmimomcorp gradually throughout the year. You’ll continue to have the same brother, and you’ll continue to receive a panic-inducing 11:15 p.m. phone call that’s actually nothing; Mom just needs the Hulu password. There won’t be any immediate changes in the day-to-day, and Mom will continue to be so proud of everything you are doing, despite having no clue what being an account manager for Venmo’s TikTok means. Throughout the year, we’ll work closely on the transition with Omnimomcorp&#8217;s COO and the Board of Kathys (Aunt Kathy, book club Kathy, and college roommate Kathy). <h4>The Future of Mom</h4> Together, our network of moms will have unmatched cookies, be unafraid to parallel park, and have the unique intuition when you need a big ’ol hug, positioning us for long-term success. Ultimately, Omnimomcorp will be able to give Mom what she wants most… ten minutes alone with that &#8220;Glens Powells&#8221; (she means Ryan Gosling).

Your Mom Has Been Acquired by Omnimomcorp

If you’re reading this, you purchased a Snapple manufactured in July of last year. During that time, our computers were down. Since we’re not Dr. Pepper (or Diet Dr. Pepper), we have to rely on fun facts on the undersides of our bottle caps to get people to buy our products. And without computers, our writers had to come up with facts they knew to be true without the ability to fact-check them. While all the facts printed were true, we must retract the following Snapple Facts as they are not quite interesting enough to live up to the standard we set for ourselves: <ul> <li>One time, Queen Elizabeth was twelve.</li> <li>An alive person’s heart beats more than nine times a day.</li> <li>There is a frog in my backyard that responds to the name Dennis.</li> <li>Other animals besides cats probably land on their feet; we just haven’t thrown them off stuff enough to know for sure.</li> <li>I might be overstating how much the frog responds to the name Dennis. My stepson, who hates my guts despite my efforts to connect with him, is named Dennis, and it’s just nice to have something respond when I say “Hello, Dennis.”</li> <li>Despite being the First Lady, Dr. Jill Biden is far from being the first woman.</li> <li>The word &#8220;tiramisu&#8221; comes from the Italian word for coffee-, ladyfinger-, mascarpone-, and cocoa-based dessert.</li> <li>Frog Dennis and Stepson Dennis have answered my phone calls the same number of times, and neither said thank you when I bought Stepson Dennis a new computer.</li> <li>Gorillas are just one of several types of animals.</li> <li>The average person has 1.5 X chromosomes.</li> <li>Helena, Dennis is using the computer I bought him to make pictures of me where my head is really small and my torso is really long (something he knows I’m sensitive about), and he tells his friends it’s a real picture of me. I’ve asked him to stop, but he won’t.</li> <li>Bigfoot’s real name could be Chris.</li> <li>The Bible has a book called &#8220;Numbers&#8221; but all the other books also have little numbers in them every sentence or so.</li> <li>Snapple makes its fact writers stay all day until they’ve written enough facts, no matter what.</li> <li>Cox’s Hardware, which is owned by Stepson Dennis’s real father, whom he respects, burned down. The arsonist was never caught even though he stopped by during the fire pretending to want to buy nails.</li> <li>Despite being known for their height, giraffes can be smaller than koala bears if the giraffe is really far away and the koala is close.</li> <li>The frog in my yard kind of responded to the name &#8220;Kevin&#8221; this morning, so I don’t know what’s happening anymore.</li> <li>Snapple will let employees go home for the day if the building mysteriously catches fire.</li> </ul> If any of these facts were on the underside of your cap, please take it back to your point of purchase (provided you did not buy it at Cox’s Hardware) and exchange it for a cap that says, THE POPE IS NOT ALLOWED TO BE AN ORGAN DONOR.

An Apology from Snapple Regarding Several Snapple Facts That Went Out Last Year

Massachusetts  Road Signs

I’ll start with the good news: These are the best years of your life. That’s right. You are currently at your overall happiest, most attractive, and most employable. (You were better looking in your twenties, but you were also a total nutcase.) This brings us to the bad news: Seriously, these are the best years of your life. Go ahead. Take a long, hard look at your thirtysomething face in the mirror while you consider all that you have—but mostly have not—accomplished up until this point. Not exactly what you had in mind for your so-called prime, was it? You thought by now you would have figured all your shit out and evolved into a superior version of yourself. A more financially and emotionally stable You. (You 2.0, if you will.) Someone who lives their passion every single day, has resolved all their childhood trauma, and is at least on their way to becoming debt- and mortgage-free. Yeah, not quite. Instead, you’ll have to settle for working a job you barely remember applying for while being only slightly wiser and less neurotic than you were as a young adult, mostly because you no longer have the energy to give a shit about half the stuff you stressed over in your twenties. Also, switching from alcohol to edibles has helped. Another way of looking at it is that your thirties are the least worst years of your life. Sure, you finally have some financial independence, just not the type where you can do things like travel out of state or fix your Camry’s leaky radiator. (Also, you still drive a Camry.) Most importantly, your thirties are when you start to figure out who you truly are as a person, even if you’re not exactly thrilled with what you find. Your personal relationships are never going to be better than they are right now either. Which is a tough pill to swallow, considering you’re an absolute mess in that department. Just not as big a mess as you were when you first ventured into the confusing world of post-college dating, or will be once the mounting demands of middle age make it increasingly difficult to maintain friendships and devote quality time to your partner. Yep, this right here is as good as it gets, sadly. Not that you don’t enjoy yourself from time to time. After all, you have your little hobbies, like hiking and napping. Nothing screams “I’m living my best life!” like staying in on a Friday night to watch YouTube videos of a guy eating expired military rations. Still, it must be disappointing to find out that the dials on your excitement meter barely make it past mild mirth, even at your zenith as a human being. As underwhelming as it may seem, you better savor every mediocre moment of it because it could&#8212;and soon will&#8212;be worse. Think about what you have to look forward to next: your forties. The age at which all your bad habits become cemented as character traits. You’ll spend the entire decade trying to convince yourself and everyone else that you’re still “young of mind” while your rapidly declining body makes it abundantly clear that you’re on the back nine of your life. More like the back six if you factor in your family health history and poor lifestyle choices. After that, it’s all downhill. Unless you make enough money&#8212;or, more realistically, inherit your parents’ money&#8212;to retire early to some beachfront location and turn back your biological clock by getting stem cell injections and testosterone replacement therapy. In which case, your fifties will be the best years of your life.

Your Thirties Are the Best Years of Your Life, Unfortunately

I’ve gotten myself into a bit of a jam. A series of natural disasters is barreling towards my home, and there is a severe shortage of resources and trained professionals available in my community to help me stave them off. So, I am putting out a call for any available public service personnel to help me protect my property. I&#8217;m willing to pay literally any amount of money, just so long as I don’t have to pay a fixed, reasonable amount of money in taxes regularly. Look, I will give you the full balance of my Robinhood account. Money is no object. Unless, of course, that money will be added to a pool of community funds that would then be used to pay for the services I’m currently requesting. In that case, money is the only object. After all, why should I pay a small amount to help myself and my community when I can pay an exorbitant amount just to help myself? Taxation is theft, but price gouging is just good business. So gouge me all you want. Just don’t trample my freedoms by taxing me. Seriously, I don’t care how much it costs. Take every dime I have. But know this: I would level my house to the ground before I paid slightly higher property taxes to fund infrastructure that would prevent a landslide from leveling my house to the ground. You might be questioning the economics of my position. You might say that it would be more financially beneficial for me to simply make regular contributions to a governing body that sets up services for myself and my neighbors. That by combining resources with my fellow citizens, I would get the same help I now desperately need for a fraction of the cost. And you’re probably correct. But the truth is, it’s not about the money. You see, taxes are an implicit acknowledgment that I exist within society and not above it. That my fate is tethered to the fate of humanity at large. That I am not the special little boy I’ve always believed myself to be. I will pay anything to deny this reality, even if it makes me objectively worse off. That’s why I’ll give up everything I own to save my home, and absolutely nothing to save both my home and the homes of my neighbors. And before you ask, yes, I believe this holds true for all of our, or more accurately, all of MY biggest problems. Why use tax dollars to fund public health research when, in the event of a pandemic, I can just spend millions building myself a hermetically sealed chamber? Why pay a modest transportation tax to build a subway system when I can throw billions of investor dollars at a high-tech underground network of tunnels that is definitely not in any way just a glorified subway system for rich people? Why pay a carbon tax to offset climate change when I can simply buy a new, completely uninsurable megamansion after each inevitable disaster? I’m even investing in my own personal asteroid defense system for if/when a giant meteor threatens to strike. I just have to figure out how to save the planet for myself without also saving it for everyone else. Otherwise, that would be collectivism, which is basically what taxation is all about. Oh lord, my home is about to be swept away in a flood. Can you all help me? Please?

I Will Pay Any Amount to Not Pay My Taxes

Do you know what this gaping, bloody gash needs? Some hydrogen peroxide from the back of my linen closet that expired five years ago. I will wash the oozing cut with warm water and soap to make sure it’s clean. Then I will dump this rancid old chemical into the open meat of my hand. Wow, that really burns. The fizzing and pain mean it’s working. You have to let it froth for a few seconds to ensure there’s not an ounce of living matter left in that flesh, even the good stuff. Then you do it again. The thing about hydrogen peroxide is you don’t want to use a cotton pad to apply it; you just want to spill it all over so that most of it goes down the drain. No one knows if it works for wounds or not, so the more putrid and unstable the oxidizing agent, the better. When the cut hurts more than it initially did, that’s when you’re good to go. After a quick Google search, I just learned that hydrogen peroxide is detrimental to wound healing. Apparently, it’s better to use on kitchen counters and garbage cans, which I guess is pretty different from pouring it onto the largest protective organ of the body. That’s surprising information that won’t stop me from doing it. Google says it’s actually bleach and should not be anywhere on or inside your body. That’s funny since I’ve been cleaning my ears out with it for decades. I like pouring it into my ear holes and listening to everything in there fight for its life. It makes them so dry that I have to stick a Q-Tip way down deep, where my doctor says not to put it. Everything is bad for you now. Can’t even pour old, rancid bleach into the most vulnerable parts of your body. You know what else this wound needs? A twenty-year-old tub of Vaseline. The reason you slather this spoiled jelly all over your severed skin is for health. It keeps everything moist, which you need after drying the wound to dust with bleach. Petroleum jelly doesn’t really go bad; it’s like Twinkies that way. It will be the only thing left at the end of the world. Oh, wait, there is an expiration date, and it has expired four times over. That’s probably fine. Once I have this rotten gelatin of the earth on my vulnerable wound, I seal it with a Band-Aid from the bottom of my junk drawer that isn’t the right size. It will get wet and fall off in four minutes when I do the dishes anyway. Now that I’ve treated the cut with old chemicals, it will be good to clean it out in some warm, soapy dishwater full of dirty food bits.

Time to Grab the Dusty Old Expired Bottle of Hydrogen Peroxide to Clean This Wound

McSweeney’s

&#8220;It was the 80s &#38; hot sticks and the “Burning Bush” hairstyle was the latest craze and my beautiful sister was rockin’ it.&#8221; (submitted by Patty)
The post <a href="https://awkwardfamilyphotos.com/the-burning-bush/">Burn Baby Burn</a> appeared first on <a href="https://awkwardfamilyphotos.com">AwkwardFamilyPhotos.com</a>.

Burn Baby Burn

&#8220;My son&#8217;s preschool picture. And he still hates them.&#8221; (submitted by Denise)
The post <a href="https://awkwardfamilyphotos.com/scream/pre-school-picture/">The Scream</a> appeared first on <a href="https://awkwardfamilyphotos.com">AwkwardFamilyPhotos.com</a>.

The Scream

&#8220;The Christmas morning I received the perfect gift.&#8221; (submitted by Mark)
The post <a href="https://awkwardfamilyphotos.com/the-gift-miracle">A Christmas Miracle</a> appeared first on <a href="https://awkwardfamilyphotos.com">AwkwardFamilyPhotos.com</a>.

A Christmas Miracle

&#8220;My oldest son was ready for our church photo shoot. The rest of us, not so much.&#8221; (submitted by Jeff)
The post <a href="https://awkwardfamilyphotos.com/2024/the-church-photo/">The Kid Stays in the Picture</a> appeared first on <a href="https://awkwardfamilyphotos.com">AwkwardFamilyPhotos.com</a>.

The Kid Stays in the Picture

&#8220;Senior pictures, class of 1998 in Eastern Oregon. This one was a particular favorite of mine.&#8221; (submitted by IG @ahoythere.katie)
The post <a href="https://awkwardfamilyphotos.com/2024/waterflaut">The Water Flautist</a> appeared first on <a href="https://awkwardfamilyphotos.com">AwkwardFamilyPhotos.com</a>.

The Water Flautist

&#8220;My second birthday party was a rager.&#8221; (submitted by IG @ndl_appraisals)
The post <a href="https://awkwardfamilyphotos.com/2024/afterparty">The After Party</a> appeared first on <a href="https://awkwardfamilyphotos.com">AwkwardFamilyPhotos.com</a>.

The After Party

&#8220;Me and my mom with our matching Christmas mullets.&#8221; (submitted by IG @kittyology80)
The post <a href="https://awkwardfamilyphotos.com/12/05/holiday-hair-2/">Holiday Hair</a> appeared first on <a href="https://awkwardfamilyphotos.com">AwkwardFamilyPhotos.com</a>.

Holiday Hair

&#8220;My kids had mixed feelings about lifting the cheese wheel. Amsterdam, Netherlands.&#8221; (submitted by Ken)
The post <a href="https://awkwardfamilyphotos.com/2024/wheelsturn">As The Wheels Turn</a> appeared first on <a href="https://awkwardfamilyphotos.com">AwkwardFamilyPhotos.com</a>.

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